Engineering Jokes

Quickies Lost on an Island Getting Even Here to Serve
Micro Logic Logical Choice Sensitivity Upmanship
Personalities Quality Control Was God and Engineer? Monkeys
Engineers Diet Are You An Engineer? Reasons to Date an Engineer

Quickies
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the  wrong way.



Lost on an Island
An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life.  But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.

  He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and  coconuts.  He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next  four  months ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

 One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the  other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny  and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality.  When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "where did you  come from?  How did you get here? "She said, "I rowed from the other  side of the island.  My cruise ship sank four months ago.  " "Amazing,"  he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you  are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

 There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't  wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm  branches, and the sides and stern came from an eucalyptus."

  "But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?"   "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the  island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I  fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron.

 But enough of that," she said.   Where do you live?"  The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach.
  "Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman tied up the rowboat  with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an  exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home.  Would you like a drink?" "No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a still," said the woman, "How about a PinaColada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat downon her couch.

 After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a  beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life."   "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet  in the  upstairs bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything,  went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle,  two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel  mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.  "You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more  comfortable.

"After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me,"  she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship.  Have you been lonely?  Is there anything that you  miss? Something that all men and women crave?  Something that would be really nice to have right now?"  "Yes there is,"  the man replied,  and moved closer to her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?"



Getting Even
A successful engineer flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.  He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.   If he could just  get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.  He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.  He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have
fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the engineer,, having worked long and hard to  regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.  Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.  The engineer thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.   The engineer got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?    "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?" "What?! Get Out, out of my cab, you scum." The engineer got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

 When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie  replied "fifteen bucks."The engineer said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the engineer gave a big smile and a big thumbs up.



Mechanical engineers build weapons,  Civil engineers build targets.....


Here to Serve
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.  After a while, they've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.  We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What???  You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.  And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"



Micro Logic
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and an Microsoft engineer.  Suddenly the car just  stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"



Logical Choice
A engineering student is on his way to class, when his friend, another engineering student, rides up on a bike.

"Where did you get the bike?", asks the first engineering student.  The other explains, "Well, I was on my way to Unit Ops, when one of the
cheerleaders rides up and jumps off her bike.  She screams with excitement, runs up to me, strips off all her clothes, gives me a big hug and a kiss, and said she'd give me anything I wanted!"

The first engineering student says, "Good choice.  Her clothes would never have fit you."



Are You An Engineer?
You Might Be An Engineer...

If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero *** <----- ***
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking
that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
if your checkbook always balances
if your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate
If choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
If you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
If while in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
If the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
If at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
If you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If you comment to your wife that their straight hair is nice and parallel.
If you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
If you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you know what <<http://>http://> stands for.
If you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
If you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
If you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your laptop computer costs more than your car.
If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
If you've already calculated how much you make per second.
If  you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
If you think in "math."
If you have a pet named after a scientist.
If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
If you can translate English into Binary.
If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
If you understood more than five of these indicators.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.



Sensitivity
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
        Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
        Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
        Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
        Priest: Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow aren't they?
        George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, So we let them play here
anytime free of charge! (silence)
        Priest: That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
        Doctor: Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
        Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Upmanship
An engineer, lawyer and CPA go together on a camping trip one summer.
After a night of drinking around the campfire, the CPA stood up and said "Watch This!"  he took out a pistol, threw his bottle of burbon in the
air and shot it.
The lawyer, not to be out done said, "that's nothing." He threw his bottle of scotch in the air and shot it blind-folded.
The engineer stood up and said "That's better, but it's still not worth a damn."  He grabbed the pistol, shot the CPA and lawyer, and sat back
down to finish his beer!
Personalities

They asked The scientist; What is 2 + 2?
He replied... 4.000000000

They asked The engineer; What is 2 + 2?
He replied... 4.0 (+/- )

They asked The attorney; What is 2 + 2?
He replied... what would you like it to be? :o)


Quality Control
There were three people ready to be executed by guillotine back in medieval days.  A farmer; a blacksmith; and, an engineer.  For whatever
reasons we don't know.

The first was brought up to the platform and the henchman ask if he had any last words.  The farmer said yes, that he would like to say a
prayer.  After kneeling down and praying, the henchman had him put his head through the opening in the guillotine and he pulled the chain.  The blade came crashing down but stopped 2" from the man's neck.  Everyone gasped and said for the henchman to let him go.  This must be a sign from the gods.  So, the guards let him go.

Next was the blacksmith's turn.  After being asked if he had any last words, he too wanted to say a prayer.  The same thing happened.  When
the chain was pulled, the blade came crashing down and stopped 2" from the man's neck.  For the same reason, the guards let him go too. And as did the farmer, he high-tailed it over the mountains.

Lastly, the engineer was brought up onto the platform.  When the henchman asked him if he had any last words he said "no",  but pointed
up to the top of the guillotine and said "there's a kink in the chain"


Was God an Engineer?
An electrical, a mechanical and a civil engineer all sat down one day to try and decide of which of their faculties god must be to design the human body.

The electrical engineer says god must be an electrical engineer, for you only have to look at the complex nervous system powered be electrical
impulses.

The mechanical engineer was sure that god must be a mechanical engineer, for the advanced mechanical systems, the heart a pump, the veins
pipes and the tendons and muscles an advanced pulley system.

Finally after hearing the civil engineers arguments, both the mechanical and electrical engineer both agreed that god must be a civil engineer, for who else would run a sewer system through a recreational area!


Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.  While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the other side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer,  saying, "That'll be $5,000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,  "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C-very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000. What does it do?"

 "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey. It can manage object-oriented programming.  Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said
the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around it's neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an engineer."


Engineers Diet
We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree celsius.

Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F).  For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above.  The  average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.  Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses.  Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process.  Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer. Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza, and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this cold pizza, cold beer, and ice cream diet.


Top Ten Reasons to Date An Engineer
10) They are used to all nighters
9) They get to learn what all those buttons on your calculator are for
8) They are always willing to experiment
7) They know how to decrease and increase friction
6) They know all about heat transfer
5) They do it with more torque
4) Engineering couples have better moments
4b) They know how to deal with stress and strain
3) They know how to test their rigid cantelevers
2) "Lubrication, Friction, and Wear" is really a class
And the number one reason to date an engineer....
1) They design and build larger erections

Got any engineering Jokes? Send them to me at:  Dennis@DennisMc.com